What's in a Name?
by WolfButler
Summary: Has anyone out there got an embarrassing middle name? Apparently so it would seem. One-shot. Or at least it would have been if I hadn't been told about the tourguide incident. Technically it's a Two-Shot now.
1. Chapter 1

**What's in a name?****  
I dunno you tell me.**

**Disclaimer:-****  
If Artemis Fowl and Co was my idea then Butler would have come back 15 years **_**younger **_**and gone and beaten up Arno Blunt and Spiro.  
And Juliet would be in **_**all **_**the stories **_**A LOT**_** more.  
Unfortunately none of that seems to happen.  
That Eoin Colfer guy is to blame, I tell you.**

**(And before you tell **_**me**_**, yes I **_**know**_** I've overdone it a bit on the brotherly-sisterly thing between Butler and Jules, but in a more relaxed setting (aka world-not-at-stake) I'm sure this is what they would be like... probably.).**

**(I fixed the spacing :D)**

**(And also, I don't know why they're all in a room somewhere just bear with me and go with the flow. If it helps, it began as a room inside my head.)**

"Artemis?"

"Hmm?" droned the replier, not looking up from the computer screen.

"I've always wondered this... don't get me wrong, it's a great name, but why weren't your parent's a bit more original when they named you?"

If it wasn't so childish and uncouth Artemis would have snorted. The query coming, as it was, from a mud-burrowing dwarf so imaginatively named 'Mulch' of all things.

"My parents thought it would be nice to continue the name as it seemed a waste to use it only once, I believe. Why do you ask?"

"Oh no reason in particular, just wondering why..."

"Why...?" Artemis repeated, his curiosity piqued despite himself.

"Why they'd make the mistake of calling a boy by a girl's name twice. They did know, right?"

"Mulch!" Artemis exploded. Butler glanced up from the gun he was cleaning. Apart from a slightly reddened complexion Artemis appeared to be fine so he shook his head, wondering, whether if Artemis had siblings earlier on, he would have spotted such an obvious bait to rise to and _not_ have blown his top over it. Then again Mulch had mentioned the _rather_ touché name subject. "As you well know, it is a unisexual name meaning 'hunter'! And as for being original, what is so original about naming one's child after the substance which one eats, may I ask?"

"Technically we don't _eat_ mud. It just sort of... passes through."

"It's the same principal!" Artemis breathed deeply, trying to regain his composure.

"What's up Artemis?" Holly asked, coming into the room and finding him looking flustered.

"Nothing."Artemis snapped, returning to his typing.

"Mulch asked him about his name." Juliet stage-whispered from the sofa where she had overheard the whole conversation.

"Oh you mean him having a girl's name?"

"It's unisex!" Artemis almost screeched. Holly couldn't help herself.

"The unisex name of a female goddess, of course. If you say so, Miss Arty."

Artemis threw up his hands. "How am I supposed to work in such an environment? If you can't be quiet and keep your childish notions to yourselves then please leave!"

"And what if we don't want to?"asked Mulch through a mouthful of something crunchy. Hopefully it was crisps, although no-one could see a packet.

"Then I will make you leave." Artemis said rather icily.  
Everyone looked at Butler, who would, of course, be the one who would _actually_ make them leave. He shrugged. Silence fell for a while. A verylittle while.

"Artemis."

The young Fowl heir exhaled loudly through his nose. "Yes?"

"I don't suppose you have a more masculine middle name?"

"What has this got to do with anything?"

"Just wondering..." Mulch smiled toothily. Artemis ignored him. "Mine's Terrence if anyone's wondering."

"Terrence, Mulch? You're having a laugh." Holly sniggered at him.

"Why? I'll have you know it was my father's name." Mulch sniffed indignantly, or it would have been indignantly had something not flew out of his beard and up his nostril making him sneeze loudly.

"But it sounds so..." Holly waved her arms trying to think of the appropriate word.

"Gardener-ish?" Juliet piped up.

"Yeah."

"Well if any of you have any better middle names, please speak up." Mulch huffed.

"No thanks!" Holly laughed. "What about you, Artemis?"

The boy closed his laptop lid as he clearly wasn't going to get any work done until this ridiculous discussion was over with.

"I'm not going to tell you you'll only poke fun." He folded his arms in defiance. That would teach them to take the Michael out of him. Now they'd never know and wonder for the rest of their lives...

"It's Angelo." Juliet practically shouted.

"Angelo?"

Artemis glowered at Juliet who grinned back.

"My mother's name is Angeline. She thought it fitting." He muttered.

"Does that have a majestic meaning too, Arty?" Mulch jested.

"I presume you mean something as regal as _Terrence_?" Artemis countered, eyebrow raised in typical Fowl fashion. "It means something along the lines of angel. Or messenger of God."

"Because obviously you're a little angel." Holly snorted.

"And might I ask the middle name you have been blessed with?" Artemis asked scathingly.

"No, actually, you mightn't." Holly answered. "Actually is 'mightn't' a word?"

"Good effort Captain, but 'mightn't' is simply a contraction of the words 'might' and 'not', emphasised by an apostrophe." Artemis lectured. "And you did not succeed in changing the topic of discussion."

"D'Arvit." Holly muttered.

"Aww...Holly?" wheedled Juliet. "Please tell us?"

"Never!" Holly felt like a character fresh out of _'Peter Pan'_.

"Oh come on," Juliet slouched over the back of the couch and tried puppy-dog eyes. "I'll tell you mine!"

"Not good enough I'm afraid." Holly teased.

"I pinky promise!"

"Why would I need to know your middle name anyway?"

"Because..."

"Jules." warned Butler, who had stayed out of the discussion until now. "Not another word."

"It's the same..." Juliet continued resolutely.

"Juliet." Butler glared at her, daring her to utter the next syllable.

"As..." she didn't finish her sentence because before the next phonetic had formed in her mouth Butler had leapt from his chair at an almost supersonic speed and clamped his hand over her mouth. Unfortunately, due to the physics of momentum that Artemis would be able to explain to them, he didn't stop there, and the situation ended with the siblings wrestling on the floor in the remains of a broken coffee table unfortunate enough to be placed on the other side of the sofa. When the crashing stopped and the others dared to look it was the older Butler who had his sister in a headlock nuggie-ing her into submission.

"Give up?"

"Never!"

"Now?" Butler tipped her upsidedown.

"Nahahahaha!"

"Now?" Butler dropped her on the sofa, poised to land on her.

"OK! OK!" Juliet squealed, rolling onto the floor. "I won't tell them your middle name is the same as mine!"

"WHAT?" the room echoed.

Butler groaned. All that for nothing.

"You've ruined my hair by the way." Juliet added matter-of-factly, clambering to her feet.

"Juliet, if I would not regret it later I might just murder you." Butler said, equally as bluntly. "In fact, if you were not my sister you would probably already be dead."

"So Butler..." Mulch asked, in what he imagined to be a casual tone.

Butler glowered at him darkly. "Yes, little man?"

"Erm... nothing?" Mulch half-asked, half-stated. For a second there he could see the Butler that had almost pulled him out of his tunnel all those years ago. Juliet seemed not to be bothered by the glare or the fact that he was at least twice as big as her, let alone Mulch. Then again, she had the advantage of blood-relation and the accompanying assertion that Butler was severely unlikely to damage her... well at least purposefully.

"So Holly? That a good enough bargaining tool for ya?" The younger Butler asked.

"If I wasn't worried there may be an injury/death in the room if you came up on your side of the deal, I would tell you."

"Please?" Juliet tried again.

"No." Holly was as stubborn as a donkey faced with a cattle-grid. Juliet was going to get nowhere.

"I'll get Foaly to look it up on the records." Mulch crowed gleefully, lunging for the laptop.

"Not on my laptop you won't!" Artemis snatched the computer off the table and held it close, out of the dwarf's reach.

"Aww. Arty's got his security blanket." Mulch hopped back onto a chair to have a higher vantage point to laugh at Artemis from.

"It's not my security blanket, it's a very expensive piece of machinery."

"Yeah, yeah whatever, you big baby."

"I am not..." Artemis started to protest, but realising it was pointless, chose to shut up and stood there scowling.

"It's alright, there's only about a billion other computers in here I can use, Mulch jumped back down off the armchair he was perched on and headed for the door.

"No!" Holly panicked. "It's... it's Coral!"

"Oh that's not so bad." Juliet seemed almost miffed.

"That's your mother's name isn't it?" Mulch asked, looking confused. "That's nothing to be embarrassed about, surely."

"I'm not embarrassed..."

"Because it isn't that." Artemis completed, coming out of his sulk. "Tell us Holly, you know mine."

"Nope. Not doing." Holly shook her head defiantly.

"Please?" Juliet whined.

"No." Holly desperately thought of an escape. "Not until you tell me yours."

"Not happening." Butler grunted. Holly beamed inwardly.

"I'll tell you!" Juliet begged, scooting out of her brother's reach.

"No you won't. I don't have to hurt you that much to knock you out Jules." Butler threatened half-heartedly, clicking the last pieces of his Sig Sauer together and pointing the butt end at her accusingly. His sister was probably going to tell everyone anyway.

"Go on then." Holly dared. Ha. She had Butler on her side, no-one was going to mess with him.

"It's..." Except, perhaps, his little sister, of course. Juliet looked at her brother's face for the reaction. "It's Sasha. There I said it!" Then she ran out the door in case of an explosion. Butler groaned again. He was never going to live this one down.

"Wait... Sasha? That's worse than Artemis! Everyone knows Sasha's a girl's name!" Mulch laughed.

"Care to explain Butler?" Artemis asked, pleased not to be the only one who would get ribbed for a unisex name in future. Except that he probably would, seen as though not many people were brave enough, or stupid enough, to annoy his bodyguard.

"It's Russian." Butler growled.

"But..."

"It means 'protector of man'." Juliet grinned, venturing back into the room.

"It means you're doing the washing up for the rest of your life." Butler threw a cushion at her head. She caught it. Naturally - she was a Butler.

"Quite fitting." Artemis mused.

"Sort of. I always thought you'd have a middle name like... troll or something... after your father."  
Luckily for Mulch, Butler was in a good mood. Otherwise it might have been one of the shrike throwing knives he was cleaning that hit the dwarf, rather than another cushion. It still served to knock Mulch off his perch, leaving a muddy indent in the carpet. Mrs. Fowl would not be pleased.

"Aww that's really sweet you two having the same middle name." Holly cooed.

"Yeah until she decides to tell everyone." Butler grouched.

"Don't sulk, big man it could be worse."

"I'm not sulking." Butler pointed out.

"Yeah he's not sulking, that's just him being grumpy."Juliet skipped past, slapping him on the head. Butler lazily swung out a leg which she evaded easily, only to crash into the sofa when he hooked her ankle with his other.

"Anyway it still could have been worse." Juliet shrugged once she had recovered from her tumble.

"Your Mum could have called you both something like..." Mulch began.

"Something exceedingly odd like..." Artemis continued.

"Something really embarrassing like..." Butler contemplated.

"Felicity." Juliet chipped in.

"I was thinking of something a little more unisex, but I suppose so." Butler shrugged.

"What's wrong with Felicity." Holly mumbled, and immediately wished she hadn't.

"It just sounds a bit..." Butler started.

"...duck-ish." Juliet finished.  
There was laughter from four of the room's occupants.  
Holly was very quiet.  
It was Juliet, of course, who noticed.

"You're not telling me your mother called you..."

**There we go. First Fanfic I've published in absolutely ages. In the midst of exam despair this appeared in my head. And to be honest, it was too funny at the time not to write down. Granted it did seem better in my head, as these things often are. But ah well. Hope it wasn't too bad or OOC and I hope it gave you a chuckle too.**

**Wolfy**

**ooo  
O  
**


	2. Well that was Odd

**OK I know I said it was a One-Shot. I lied.**

**For Matt, who gave me the idea.**

**And for Qoheleth, for reviewing first and spotting the cure for the Sascha issue.**

**And for Muncher, I fixed the spacing now.**

**Disclaimer:- I may have given them all embarrassing middle-names but that still does not make them mine.**

Artemis was walking through a patch of woodland in the grounds of Fowl Manor. He had vague memories of coming here to feed ducks as a child. He wondered whether any of the descendants of those birds still lived there today. He sat down on a bench on the bank of the circular pond and picked a slice of bread from the bag waiting for him. He attempted to Frisbee it across the water. Instead it acted more like a boomerang and sailed into the rushes, startling a moorhen from its nest. Artemis sighed; he never had been good at throwing. He broke off a piece from another slice and threw it up in a high arc. Like attracting magnets, the piece ended up in the reeds again.  
And again on the third attempt.  
On the fourth Artemis got to his feet and swung his arm as hard as he could. The soft white square rocketed upwards, then gravity caught up with it and it landed with a dull 'thunk' in the rushes again. Artemis returned to his seat, temporarily defeated. Giving it one last effort he chucked the stale crust of the loaf into the foliage.

"Oi!" came a voice from the reeds. "Mind where you're chucking that!"

The voice was rather familiar, if a little hoarser than usual. Quackier. Like Donald Duck. Artemis was surprised to find he remembered the character.

"I beg your pardon?" Artemis called.

A beak protruded from between the stems of rushes.

"I said go throw your leftovers somewhere else! I live here, you know, and you're littering."

"I'm very sorry I didn't realise." Artemis tried to get a closer look at the talking duck. Wait, what? The talking_ duck_?

"Yeah well, you should be." The voice muttered, swimming out into the open water.

Artemis stepped back, slipped on the wet grass and fell on his backside.

"H...Holly?"

"What?" Asked the duck-billed, goose-bodied, white-feathered, red-haired, elf-faced creature. "Who's Holly? My name is Felicity."

"Oh... ah... never mind." Artemis panicked. _Alright, calm down_, his logical side told himself. _The logical explanation to this is that I am dreaming. That's it. A dream brought on by the unusual conversation we had earlier._ Unfortunately his subconscious was in charge at this moment and politely asked his logical side to leave a message after the tone. Deciding to leave the Holly/Duck combination behind he headed back up the hill to find a man digging potatoes.

"Mulch is that you?" Artemis asked tentatively.

"Mulch? I could do with some Mulch for my potatoes, lad." The gardener said in a thick countryman's accent.

"Mulch, I believe that is a farmer's accent not a gardener's." Artemis pointed out.

"Are you making fun of my accent?" The dwarf asked angrily. "And who is this Mulch fellow you be going on about? I'm Terrence, remember?"

"Sorry... Terrence." Artemis backed away slowly. This was very odd. Right now the one person he wanted was Butler. He'd sort this all out. _It's a dream!_His rational side screamed. His dream self took no notice. Further up the hill, in the place of Fowl Manor was a tavern. A sign announced it as the "Duck, Duck, Goose Inn". It was suddenly becoming very dark and the light inside was very welcoming. He opened the heavy wooden door to the ear-drum assaulting Irish music most commonly associated with Irish dancing.

"What on earth..." Artemis began.

"It's not a girl's name it's short for Aleksandr!" The huge, swaying man at the bar was bellowing at a young woman in a similar state of drunkenness.

"It's a girl's name! Mother didn't mean it to be short for Aleksandr or she would have put that on your birth certificate!" Juliet yelled.

"Sasha is unisex! Ask Artemis!" Butler pointed in the general direction of his charge, who quickly hid behind another customer in the packed room.

"Well there's only one way to find out..."a Harry Hill look-alike exclaimed excitedly.

"Dance off!" roared the barman.

And with that the two Butler's leapt onto the wooden tables, giant German jugs in hands slopping beer over anyone unfortunate enough to be standing in the front row. The music boomed louder and the pair suddenly started a professional Irish Jig. It was then Artemis realised that Juliet was wearing a kilt. As was his bodyguard.

"Come on Arty, join in!" Juliet wobbled dangerously on the edge of the table.

"I don't want to!" Artemis cried over the noise. "I don't want to wear a kilt!"

"It's ok! They're unisex!" Juliet shouted back, as she and Butler did a shaky rendition of the 'swing-your-partner-round-the-world' move.

"But they're Scottish! Kilts are Scottish not Irish!" Artemis wailed, covering his face with his hands.

The music stopped abruptly as he jerked upright. Four pairs of eyes looked at him from the gloom of the Fowl's home-cinema. Only two pairs looked concerned in anyway.

"Are you alright?" Butler asked. Butler, who was, thankfully, _not_ wearing a kilt. Artemis nodded shakily.

"Artemis? Of course kilts are Scottish." Juliet giggled.

"Did you just fall asleep?" Mulch chortled. "_Without_ you security laptop?"

"Hey Artemis look at this Donald the Duck hat I found. Is it your brothers'?" Holly put the baseball cap on. Artemis looked at her. He saw the beak shaped protrusion from her head. In a panic he leapt out of his chair, ran down the isle and left the room yelling about Ducks, Geese and Irish dancing. Butler raised an eyebrow before following him.

"Well that was odd."

**I think that last line sums it up really.**

**I probably should have kept this to myself.**

**Ah well.**


End file.
